Why am I so sad?
Today, I find myself asking the same question over and over, "Why am I so sad"? The sun is shining, the air is cool, Christmas lights fill our house, Christmas music sings from my computer. So, why am I so sad? This is the time of year that we are suppose to feel happy and count our blessings. Right? So, why am I sad, teary eyed--ready to cry? Could it be the internet article I read about Rhema Marvanne, the 8 year old who sings in memory of her courageous, and beautiful mother Wendi Marvanne who passed from Ovarian cancer? Maybe it is my revisiting the obituary of our beloved teacher Gina Gogliano whom passed from Ovarian cancer this past May. Or it could be my grief of losing my step-dad Bill a little over a year ago. Sadness that my family and I moved away from our family in California for my husband to take a job in Texas. It could be any number of these reasons, excuses.
When I allow myself to sit with "sadness", I find this answer. It isn't so much about grieving the loss of these wonderful people and places, it runs much deeper. I want to be a loving, caring, giving, courageous, and beautiful person like Wendi and Gina. They gave so much of themselves, gave so much to others without complaint and expectations. Me, I don't give fully of myself in a caring, loving, giving and courageous way. You can't be truly loving, caring, courageous, beautiful when you search for thank you's, act impatient, feel irritation, have expectations of others. My sadness comes from realizing that as I have some of their qualities, I don't fully encompass everything they are. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be them-no one can, I want to give like them, live a beautiful life like them! Be genuine like them. I want to live life with GRACE, just as they did, as 8 year old Rhema does.
Today is my birth, starting today, I live with GRACE..... Funny how one of my favorite songs over the years has become Amazing Grace and our youngest daughters middle name is of course Grace. It took me this long to realize that I am searching for Grace.. Well I found it and my journey starts now. Care to join me?
With Grace, Have a blessed holiday season.
Marcy
When I allow myself to sit with "sadness", I find this answer. It isn't so much about grieving the loss of these wonderful people and places, it runs much deeper. I want to be a loving, caring, giving, courageous, and beautiful person like Wendi and Gina. They gave so much of themselves, gave so much to others without complaint and expectations. Me, I don't give fully of myself in a caring, loving, giving and courageous way. You can't be truly loving, caring, courageous, beautiful when you search for thank you's, act impatient, feel irritation, have expectations of others. My sadness comes from realizing that as I have some of their qualities, I don't fully encompass everything they are. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be them-no one can, I want to give like them, live a beautiful life like them! Be genuine like them. I want to live life with GRACE, just as they did, as 8 year old Rhema does.
Today is my birth, starting today, I live with GRACE..... Funny how one of my favorite songs over the years has become Amazing Grace and our youngest daughters middle name is of course Grace. It took me this long to realize that I am searching for Grace.. Well I found it and my journey starts now. Care to join me?
With Grace, Have a blessed holiday season.
Marcy
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